A parents perspective on child loss.
The loss of a child is one that can't be explained easily. If you have been here, you know it all too well. If you have not, you never want to. It's a place where waking up at night wondering where your child is becomes "normal". You daydream of things that could have, or might have been. The what if's creep in, "what if" we would have done something differently, "what if" she were still here? What would life be like? It's a place where your other children become more educated about cemeteries and Heaven then they should ever have to. A cemetery is no longer a scary place, but one of comfort and solace even at 5 and 8. It's Sunday Sophie visits, finding pennies from Heaven and smiling; hoping the myth is true and that Sophie just sent us a gift to let us know she's OK and still here with us. It's a little red bird that comes to see us on a regular basis that sits in her garden outside the kitchen window. It's looking longingly at baby clothes, smiling at a new mom and feeling your void. It's the "look" you exchange with your husband when you both hear a song on the radio that reminds you of her. It's seeing what she may have looked like in the beautiful faces of her siblings. It's every family moment we have lacking a little girl we love. It's your son hugging you when you seem sad and your daughter running for Sophie's doll to hold when she sees her mama crying because they know your heart is hurting. Grief can be a lonely place where you feel empty and cheated but yet so lucky to have had the time, though brief. It's a place where you will never feel the same but yet, never want to. This little miracle changed our lives and this is our new "normal".
"Sunshine After the Storm" - this blog site offers a lot of articles regarding infant and child loss as well as the perspective of a grieving mom.
I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith is a must read for any mom grieving the loss of her child. This book was given to me after Sophie passed by a dear friend. I found it to be such a help, it made me realize everything I was feeling was normal and that I wasn't alone. It can be purchased here.